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Saturday, 14 April 2012

It's written in the stars, apparently.

Over the last few days, the blogosphere has been rife with speculation that the EU’s Astrology Tsar, Marianne Huguenot-Bosch, is about to make an announcement that will shake the astrological world to its very foundations. She is set to reveal that, from 2014, all EU nationals over the age of 27 will be granted the right to switch from their current star signs.

I can’t be alone in imagining that millions of people will look to take advantage once this long-overdue legislation kicks in. I take only a passing interest in astrology and can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I’ve cancelled holidays because of inauspicious readings from my various astrological advisors, but I will admit that I am not at all happy with my current star sign. I’m not allowed to name it (for legal reasons), but I will say that one of the things that disappoints me about this particular sign is the dismal quality of famous people that it has on its books. Unlike those lucky enough to be with one of the more fashionable star signs, my astrological destiny is shared with a rum selection of c-list celebrities, retired footballers, minor soap stars and a couple of disgraced politicians. So embarrassed am I by this sorry collection that, whenever the topic comes up in conversation with friends, I become sullen and withdrawn and invariably seek solace in cruising the ‘photo gallery’ section on Sofia Vergara’s website.

Another reason for my dissatisfaction is that I feel that I am judged by some people because a few of my personal traits and habits are interpreted as being somehow ‘typical’ of this star sign. I’m talking about everyday things like the inability to wash my hands during a full moon, an irrational fear of certain kinds of cheese, or the refusal to order any of the odd numbers on a Chinese take-away menu. ‘That’s so typical of your sign’ people will say. ‘You guys do crazy stuff like that all the time’. For one who believes in promoting diversity and tolerance, it is particularly painful to have been consigned to what is, in effect, an astrological ghetto.

I’ve made several attempts already to change my sign. I tried to get into Capricorn last summer, but there was an enormous waiting list. I heard through the grapevine that Libra was pretty good, but decided not to proceed with my application after a private reading with Madame La Mesma indicated that Mercury’s retrograde movement had upset the rhythm of certain archetypal energies and there was a risk that the balance of polarities between the macrocosmic and the microcosmic universe had shifted in a way that was somehow inauspicious. Then, just before the Winter Equinox, I applied for Aquarius, but they wrote back stating that I would have to wait until the moon was in the seventh house and Jupiter aligned with Mars. I may not have understood their technical mumbo-jumbo, but I know a ‘Dear John’ letter when I see it.

Conspiracy theorists are claiming that this new EU legislation might somehow be linked with Pluto's recent downgrading from 'planetary' status. Cynics say that it presents an ideal opportunity to launch a bunch of new (and potentially lucrative) star signs. Personally, I’d love to see more options on the horoscopes page; I think it could be the most significant development in astrology since Russell Grant took up his residency on the ‘Richard and Judy’ show in 1992. We could be living in interesting times.

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