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Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Zodiac Mindwarp

I had a great day out at the weekend at a car boot sale in Clydebank, picking up a telescope, a book about astrology and a slightly-soiled packet of tarot cards for £1.50. I’ve been thinking for a while about making a career change, so it has occurred to me that I might be able to give the old ‘horoscopes’ game a bit of a go. If any of my predictions come true, please let me know. Once I’ve done a bit more studying, I will be available for personalised forecasts, tarot charts, exorcisms, bespoken curses etc.
Aries
Strong planetary undercurrents are at work and you could be pulled toward someone without even realizing it. The person you snogged at the Christmas party will win cinema vouchers in a raffle. With Pluto moving through the seventh house, it’s likely that you’ll need to think carefully about how to respond to this surprising development. Also, there is a carton of yogurt at the back of the fridge that has reached its sell-by date.

Gemini
The celestial balance of polarities between the macrocosmic and the microcosmic universe has shifted in a way that could make things tricky for you on Wednesday afternoon, so try not to wear anything yellow. If you are allergic to cats, stay at home. If cats are allergic to you, go out. If you are allergic to your house, buy a cat. Something quite small and made of wood will be the cause of an argument with a close friend.

Cancer
Your Day Sign in Mayan astrology is ‘Crocodile’, which symbolizes new beginnings. As a crocodile, your personality is clever, creative and assertive, but you would be well advised to avoid spicy foods towards the end of the week. Warning: On no account accept an invitation from a woman called Denise.

Taurus
Mercury’s retrograde movement means that romance might be in the air for you. You need to appreciate someone close and to make it clear just how much they mean to you. But whatever you do, don’t push it; sending explicit photos would be a serious error of judgement. Your lucky number today is 23,952. Be careful if you come across a big puddle – it may be even bigger than you think.

Sagittarius
You Day Sign in Mayan astrology is ‘Leopard’, which means you are playful and intelligent and comfortable around animals, mainly because they can’t answer back. Something that looks and smells like a squirrel will cause an argument between two close friends and you may have to step in to sort things out. An unusual planetary alignment has implications for your finances and cash flow issues will become prominent. There is a fiver down the back of the couch.

Aquarius
Finances or friendships or health or romance have been on your mind lately, but good news is just around the corner and you can finally give some thought to your own long-term interests. This might involve looking at holiday brochures, purchasing some cake-mix or maybe buying shares in a racehorse. A friend will make a chance discovery after a visit to an acupuncturist and will seek your advice. Next Thursday, go through your wardrobe and throw out everything purple.

Virgo
The odd celestial atmosphere means that some curious undercurrents are at work. Someone who is normally very careful with their words will want to tell you more about what they're thinking and feeling, while a Piscean subject may make an attempt to hack into your facebook account. On Friday, a cousin you haven’t seen for ages will turn up out of the blue and ask to borrow some money. Virgo subjects would be well advised to avoid going to the cinema until Mercury’s retrograde movement through the second house is complete.

Pisces
The current astral configuration means you will spend a lot of time wondering about the pros and cons of becoming involved in a certain relationship. You will meditate on it from various angles, but with Neptune in the ascendancy for the first time since 1998, it may finally be time for you to be bold for a change: Start by sending the person of your dreams a series of slightly ‘saucy’ texts. Who knows where that might lead? Later in the week, a friend whose name begins with D, E, F, G or T will sprain his (or her) ankle and /or have a bad experience at the dentist.

Scorpio
Not much happening at the moment.

Libra
According to Mayan astrology, you are Storm (or Rain), the nineteenth Day Sign. You have a soothing, nurturing nature and –in a previous life- you may even have had healing powers. Some folk find you annoying, but they are probably just jealous of your chakra, or whatever. Strange smells will be prominent over the next few days, while a Cancerian subject with the initial G, R, S, T or W will tell you about a money-making scheme and /or a painful ingrown toe-nail and /or a lost train ticket.

Leo
The curious planetary alignment today encourages you to view recent incidents in a new light. Everyone at work is talking about you and that unfortunate error of judgement over those ‘joke’ emails. Best to put it all behind you, but you should now give some serious thought to your personal hygiene. A friend or neighbour will be thinking about buying a new hat, but steer clear of giving him or her any advice. ‘Steve’ or ‘Stephanie’ will call.

Capricorn
Today’s planetary aspect means it is time for you to come out of your shell. Stop hiding behind excuses, routines, and timetables. Exciting moves are afoot; you will be invited to attend a meeting in Paisley sometime early next week. There, you will meet a man called ‘Yuri’, who will hand you a suitcase and the key to a safety deposit box at Glasgow Central station. You must take the 7.38 to Glasgow Central and deposit the suitcase in the correct box, then go home to await further instructions. Your lucky colour is mauve, or maybe yellow.

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